Imaginary Lines

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Come and See My New Place

For anyone who might still be stopping by after such a long hiatus...http://www.imaginarylines.typepad.com/

Hope to see you there!

Sunday, July 31, 2005

7-27-05, 6:06 AM, 8lbs. 7 ounces

There's a new redhead in town!

I was right with that last post and went into labor very early the next morning.

I woke up at about 3:30 AM trying to figure out if I was having contractions. I was, but they weren't very regular yet. Ed woke up at 4 and I told him that I thought we were going to have a baby today.

I decided to have a little bit of coffee with my husband because I still wasn't completely sure that I was in labor. He put a movie in and I decided to lay down on the couch. Suddenly, the contractions started coming fast and furious. This was about 4:30.

He called his mom to come over and watch Thomas, and I was telling her to take her time, no rush. Thank God she didn't listen to me!

Ed helped me take a shower and get dressed, by this time it was really difficult for me to do anything but sit on the floor on my hands and knees. Ed's mom got there a little after 5 and I was already yelling in pain and throwing up. She wanted to call an ambulance, but I thought I had plenty of time! I was in labor for 12 hours with Thomas!

Ed got me into the car and I beat on the car door the entire way to the hospital, as he drove through red lights and sped. I still kept saying it's okay! We've got time!

We drove up to the hospital entrance and Ed helped me out of the car. That's when my water broke. We got inside and they tried to tell us to go check in and register, but changed there minds when they saw me screaming and gushing fluids all over the floor. They got me a wheel chair and told me to sit down but I refused because it hurt too much. I knelt down on the wheel chair and they moved me to L & D that way.

They got me in the room and tried to strap all kinds of monitors on me, but I really didn't want anything to do with it. They wanted me to lay flat on my back to check my cervix, and again, I wasn't happy. Eventually, I complied and they told me I was 7. No drugs for this girl!

After they checked me I immediately wanted to flip back over on my hands and knees and ended up all tangled in the wires from the monitors. The nurse kept yelling at me, "we have to check the baby, you have to let us check the baby!" I just yelled back, "he's fine! He's kicking all over the place."

My doctor came in about 5 minutes later and I asked her if I was 10 centimeters. She said, "no, you're 12." Okay then.

Then I had to do the thing I was most terrified of, push out the baby without any pain killers. I screamed. A lot. They told me not to. Having a baby through incredible mind-numbing pain is a totally different experience than having one with an epidural. They had to tell me how to push all over again. Your mind just wants to run away from the pain somehow, but you can't. You have to manage to push through it. It was a difficult thing to wrap my mind around, but then your body just takes over and the pushing comes. Our bodies do know what to do, even when our minds don't.

After I finally got myself coordinated it took about 2 pushes to get him out, and they plopped him down on my belly and into my arms. What an incredible feeling. To have accomplished this task, and at the same time to be holding this warm beautiful baby in my arms. He is beautiful. He has hardly left my arms since the moment he was born.

And I only had to spend a 1/2 an hour in labor and delivery. Nothing wrong with that!

I am content, proud, and happy, in a way that I haven't been for months. The task of making this baby is finished. I have both of my beautiful boys and I know that I couldn't be more fortunate. I don't mind one bit that I can't get any sleep at night, every moment is so precious. I am a happy woman.

I will post pictures when I can!

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Nested

I'm all nested, for now. I went on a cleaning rampage this weekend, and left no one uninjured in my wake.

I guess it was different than the "normal" cleaning when I was on my hands and knees with a wire brush and rubbing alcohol trying to get spots out of the floor.

I woke up today in PAIN, it hurts to roll over or stand up. This leads me to believe that the baby is in my pelvis now, that he has completely dropped. Maybe all that cleaning helped him along, but man does it ever hurt.

I also had an episode of bloody-show today, which may or may not mean that real labor is imminent. With Thomas I had this the evening before I went into labor at 2 AM. So keep your fingers crossed.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow anyway, and I'm sure they'll jam their hands up there and tell me what's up either way (FUN!). Or maybe I'll be holding this little guy in my arms by that time tomorrow.

I hope everyone is finding a way to stay cool out their, temps across the country are just brutal. I hope it breaks soon...

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Swollen

Don't you love it when you call your doctor's office to ask the nurse about your swollen hands and feet and before you can get more than 4 words out of your mouth she says, "Don't worry about it, it'll be gone by tonight."

'Scuse me? Well that would be a miracle since it has been going on for days, and my feet and ankles inevitably get worse at night. When I wake up in the morning my hands are so swollen and my joints are so sore that I can't even close my hand to make a loose fist. But she didn't ask me any of that. She also didn't ask me if I have any vision disturbances, or swelling in my face. Apparently she just "knew" without even asking. Well if that's the case she is quite the gem.

Lucky for me I don't have any vision disturbances, except the occasional raining lights when I go up the stairs too fast. My face was pretty puffy when I got up this morning, but seems to be okay right now.

I'm not sure if she even knew that I'm pregnant. Idiot. I have a good mind to complain about her to the doctor, but I don't want to make myself look like a jerk.

Anyway, it's a good thing I'm approaching the end of this pregnancy, because I just cannot physically take it for very much longer. I would love to go into labor, say, right now. Didn't happen. My body hurts and I can't sleep. There are some days, like yesterday for instance, when I have contractions all day long. Just enough to make me uncomfortable, but not enough to run off to labor and delivery.

I've just kind of given up on doing much of anything. I get these grand ideas in my head about cleaning my car and installing the car seat, and then realize that it's 100 degrees outside and doing that would probably just about kill me.

I was all geared up for a lone grocery shopping trip yesterday while Thomas stayed home with dad, and I got there only to have to slowly shuffle through the aisles while having repeated contractions. When I'm sitting down, my mind knows no end to the things that I need to and can accomplish. All it takes is actually starting on one of those tasks to find out that I just don't have what it takes right now.

I really hope I'm not in for 3 more weeks of this. You can come out now baby! All's clear!

I think I'll go sit and visualize my cervix opening, to see if it helps things along. Can't hurt, right?

Friday, July 15, 2005

Pushing Week 37

Tic, toc, tic, toc.

Just got back from the doctor, I'm 1-2 centimeters dilated and 50% effaced. Which means exactly nothing, except that I'm going to have a baby sometime in the next 3 weeks, which we already knew. Terrific.

They aren't going to induce me, as it doesn't look like this baby is going to be as big as my last, probably because I haven't been indulging in as much sugar. I guess.

Thomas had a tantrum when we got in the house from the doctor's, I guess because he fell asleep in the car and didn't get a long enough nap. I had to restrain his arms and legs so that he couldn't hurt himself or smash his head on the floor, which he loves to do when he's mad. He scratched my arm, knocked my glasses off, and smashed me in the mouth with his head. So I'm not in the best of moods at the moment. Of course after I started crying he calmed right down. I guess that's what it takes. Me in tears with a fat lip.

You can only imagine my delight when 10 minutes later he came running up to me with his hands covered in poop from his diaper.

What I would like to know, sometimes, is where did my baby go? Did someone come into my house and switch him with a monster when I wasn't looking?

It doesn't help that we just got back from lunch with my MIL, who just wants to let him run around and be destructive in her office. "Oh, that's okay!" she swoons. Uh, no, it's not okay for him to run around slamming doors and playing with telephones. He slammed the conference room door so hard that I'm pretty sure he broke it. We couldn't get it to open again. "Oh--that's okay." I'm sure that's just how your boss is going to feel about it!

No, it really isn't okay for him to be destructive. And she's the one who'll be taking care of him when I'm in the hospital. Great. I'll probably come home to more work than I left with.

I just want my baby back. I haven't seen very much of him since about a month before he turned 2. I don't like this part of his development so far. It seems to involve a lot of ME being the target of his inexplicable tantrums.

I just can't wait to have this baby so that his father can help me take care of him for a couple of weeks. I guess that's what it's come down to. I have to actually have a baby to get a break from my first one.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Thanks A Lot, Oprah

Damn it all, I always let her do this to me. I almost never, hardly ever, watch Oprah. But I always seem to find her when she has a show on depicting motherhood as akin to one of hell's inner rings. Yes, we all know that it isn't all it's cracked up to be, and we all stand ready to reaffirm Oprah's own life choices regarding motherhood, ready to tell her about our darkest moments and our deepest fears all wrapped up in what started out as a little demon disguised as an innocent newborn.

As a matter of fact, mine is doing a number on me right now. It might seem like he's just playing with the toilet, but it's really all part of the plan to make me lose my mind. I'm well on my way. Do you think the way he is pretending not to hear me say "no!" is just innocence?

Oprah had part 2 of her interview with Brooke Shields yesterday. We didn't know there was a part 2, of course, but it conveniently showed up after Brooke's Op-ed piece for the New York Times was printed last week. She was sticking her tongue out at the crazy, but still good-looking Tom Cruise, who emphatically denounced Brooke's use of anti-depressants to keep her from killing herself after her baby was born. Well, Tom knows best, I suppose.

I started taking Zoloft when my son was 6 months old. I never had any visions of him getting harmed in my care, and Lord knows I was about as far removed from negligent as any parent could get. My problem was that I was sure something terrible would happen to him the moment that he was out of my sight. A normal parental fear amplified, shall we say? Oh, and I also couldn't stop crying.

But then again, I am prone to depression anyway. As a matter of fact, I'm in the middle of a bout of depression right now. When I have this baby, I'm going to start taking an anti-depressant again. In your FACE, Tom Cruise.

Unless, of course, Mr. Cruise would like to lend me one of his personal trainers and a nanny to allow me time with said trainer? Didn't think so.

What Oprah's show did for me yesterday is what most "informative" television shows are trying to do; it terrified me. It's difficult for anyone to hear about the terrible things women can sometimes do to their children, but when you are waiting for your own to pop out any day now, it's particularly upsetting to hear about other women who chop off their baby's arms.

I was still so upset (not to mention just exhausted) at bed time yesterday, I just started bawling my puffy red eyes out. My God, is that going to happen to me?

I know, she was doing a public service by bringing this subject to the fore via one of the beautiful people, because we all know nothing is really, really true until it effects the beautiful people, but I for one could have done without. Yeah, I could've changed the channel, in theory, but we all know that Oprah is one of the world's most powerful people. She just held me there, mesmerized.

What happens when one of the beautiful people cancels out what another of the beautiful people has said? It's too much for an average person like me to sort out. Maybe the world is populated by aliens. Maybe Brooke Shields should have just gone out for a 10K jog before her surgical wounds had the chance to heal. If she really wanted to be better, that is. If she only really understood the human psyche the way Tom Cruise does. If. Only.

"Tommy! Please--do not play with the toilet!" Ugh.

Friday, July 08, 2005

She Hits the 36 Week Point

Tomorrow, that is. We have an ultrasound on Tuesday to see how big the little guy is, and then they'll check my cervix on Friday to see what kind of shape it's in. Yay.

With Thomas they never checked my cervix until I was actually in labor. It seems to me that this is the better way to do things, the not checking, seeing that it doesn't really tell you anything.

My sister was 3 centimeters dilated with her last baby for 4 weeks. They finally got things rolling by breaking her water.

So, anyway. I have internal exam anxiety. I get over it quickly once the mind-blowing pain of labor really gets going.

Tonight Thomas went to be a bit early so I took the time to start putting all of Ryan's clothes away and I even packed my hospital bag.

Part of me is terrified of what I am going to do with 2 babies and how I'm going to care for them and the house and everything else....the other part of me would love to go into labor right now. My body is totally ready to be done with this pregnancy. I remember feeling the same way with Thomas. Once I hit 36 weeks I just kept waiting for any little sign that things were going to get going...soon. I didn't get any hint until the night before I went into labor, and that was a little bit of blood-tinged mucous. That was it. At 2 AM I woke up with painful contractions and the rest is history.

My feet are too fat to fit into my sandals. I hope that this is just swelling, and not something permanent. I remember having to buy special really big shoes last time too. I probably won't wear regular shoes until the baby is a couple of weeks old. My feet are already a size 11, so you know I'm never finding shoes if my feet go up a size.

The only other feeling I have is a lot of pressure in the pelvic region. I don't know if this means that the baby is engaged or not, but I do feel him pushing his head down toward the exit--like he's trying to find his way out. I'm sure it's getting cramped in there, he's probably wondering what happened to his comfy home.

In other boring news--our hot water heater is broken. Well, it starts when the husband starts it--and then it goes out again in a day--so more money down the drain for that.

Tomorrow is my sister's baby shower--which should be fun. My MIL wanted to give me one, but I said no. I'm just not feeling up to it--not to mention it would just make my lack of friends glaringly obvious to my family. I don't know anyone but Thomas any more. Well, I could do a lot worse.

I'm going to go to bed now, and I hope I get a chance to see my husband sometime this weekend. I'm soon going to do something violent to those people that he works for who do not realize how long his hours are and how little he gets to see his family. Not to mention the stress of having to do everything myself...poor me.

To anyone still reading...thanks...and have a lovely weekend.